Where does the time go?

I can’t believe that it’s been over a month already. What can I say except that I think summer is the absolute worst time for blogging, work is a bitch, I’m so busy, blah blah blah.

Good thing is, now I have a lot to talk about! In the past I’ve been interested in NaBloPoMo which I think traditionally happens in November to coincide with NaNoWriMo, and some bloggers took it a step forward and pledged to post every day for a year, most notably Maryse who I read every day. As my birthday rolled around last week, I thought that might be a good way to mark time and get myself in the habit of writing everyday. It seems like a struggle for Maryse sometimes, and I’m not sure that I want blogging, or at least this blog, to become a chore or another errand I have to do every day. But then again, can I say “I want to post every day, but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t”? Because, as shown in the last month or so, that doesn’t create a blog worth reading.

So maybe the best compromise is to try posting every day for a month and then seeing if I’m up for posting everyday like I was originally thinking about. I think this next year is going to be full of change and exciting things for me, so it’d be worth making the effort to write about all of it.

So here we go, Day 1:

I’ve been trying to read a lot this summer, and The Girl in the Flammable Skirt by Aimee Bender came recommended by someone at work and I absolutely loved it. It reminded me somewhat of the Miranda July book I wrote about earlier, but the characters and situation that Bender creates are much more off the wall and unexpected. Most of them are some form of love stories that made me think twice about why I think the way I do about the world and stories. That sounds so cheesy, but it’s true: I never thought a story could be what Bender has created, and I’m really thankful that I was able to experience them. I highly recommend this book for anyone looking for some quick, quirky stories that pack a punch.

Love

So I just saw Sex and the City. I loved it. Of course, I knew I would love it because I love the show, and I can see why people might not like it (and not just for the ultra cheesy bits throughout). But the whole thing just makes me think of what happened with Bear and I. And you know, my girlfriends and I were talking about it afterwards and one of them said that the whole movie was like a fairy tale, because nobody gets to screw up that bad and get forgiven, nobody gets a second chance with the person they hurt.

And I’m here right now, speaking the truth, that I would take him back. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the right thing or the wrong thing, or if it will ever happen, but I would. If he wrote me what Big wrote to Carrie: “I know I screwed it up – but I will love you forever.” I would feel like everything could be alright. If we could overcome that, we would be stronger and could get through anything.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s tainted by how I feel about myself right now. Going through all of that made me feel so much stronger, so much more capable, so much more in charge of myself. If I can get through a broken heart, there’s not much else to be afraid of right? If I can start to feel better about losing the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, then I can do anything. I can do anything.

Finding a Routine

It’s been a little while, sorry about that. I’ll try to keep things more up to date around here in the future. I’ve been busy mostly with working (I’m sure work will pop up here every now and then – working at a major bookstore chain has its share of stories, of course), seeing some friends, a graduation party (again I forgot to take pictures), some knitting, and sleeping (got to catch up now that school is over).

I’ve also been reading and watching some wonderful DVDs. The book I just finished (the first of my summer reading) is a collection of stories called No One Belongs Here More Than You Do by Miranda July. I absolutely loved it. All the stories have women for the main character who is usually going through a sort of coming of age moment in their lives. I really appreciate this after reading so much about men growing up or realizing what the adult world is like. I firmly believe that women have those sort of painful stages to their lives where nothing much makes sense and it feels like one moment could define the rest of your life. Some of the women are older, but each story follows a moment that seems to be definitive for her, which makes me think of it in terms of the “coming of age” story line. I know that a lot of short stories are interested in the singular moment or a seemingly tiny slice of life, but every single one of July’s stories hit me. I could relate to them, they seemed to strike exactly at a very real truth, and I’ll be honest and say a lot of them made me cry. I loved each and every one. A lot of them also dealt with sexual issues in very real and honest ways, and I really appreciated seeing sex written about in a such a way that was interesting but didn’t feel like it was put in just to have a sex scene: it felt brave. I felt brave for thinking about sex (as a woman) as something other than a sort of madonna-whore dichotomy which dominates much of the way female sexuality is written or talked about in the media.

Another find has been the first season of Dexter on DVD. It’s an original Showtime show about a serial killer who is the good guy. Dexter works for the police department as a blood spatter specialist and hides to the best of his ability the fact that he feels no emotion and occasionally kills people. He gets away with it, for the most part, by killing bad guys: other killers who beat the justice system who Dexter feels need to be gotten rid of. It’s a very original concept and with my limited knowledge of psychology, the characters seem very well written and realistic. It seems I’m turning out to be quite the crime show buff and this is one of my favorites. Creepy and lovable at the same time. Two thumbs up!

Now that I’m working, I’m going to try to find some sort of routine with cleaning/sorting taking up more time. Hopefully I’ll have more progress to talk about soon. It’s definitely hard to break some habits, but I’m trying hard to keep myself motivated. Easier said than done!

Knitting Everything

In my “overwhelmed-my foot hurts-it’s too cluttered to even try to clean” laziness, I’ve been surfing a lot of knitting blogs. A few are linked on the right. And now I want to knit everything. Seriously, almost every decent looking project I see someone else making, I want to make.

So, what do I do? Cave, and buy more yarn. But that’s it, for real. No more trips to the yarn store, and only browsing and dreaming online. Which, really, is the best part.

So I have four projects planned, with yarn and everything picked out and bought. These are:

The Vinterblomster mittens

Otto the bear

The Gilmore vest (not a very good picture, sorry)

The Tangled Yoke Cardigan

I love them all and can’t wait to cast on.

But, there are other projects I love, ones that I actually have a head start on! These include:

The Print o’ the Wave Stole

A Mitered Square Blanket

A green Somewhat Cowl

A Drops Jacket that’s actually almost done

Oblique, which is also almost done

River in a beautiful white mohair

Some really cute mittens

Several lace scarves that just need the ends woven in and some blocking.

So, the plan is: for every two unfinished projects I finish I can start a new one! I think my biggest problem with not finishing is that I usually work on one project consistently, but I can’t always keep the consistency until the project is finished. So then I have a hard time coming back to a project – it feel interrupted. But maybe if I can bribe myself to finish some things that I actually do want to have around, maybe I can have the best of both worlds. We’ll see.

Truth

Progress on my to-do list is proving to be slow (I was putting off writing so I could take pictures, but I’m still too embarrassed). Honestly, I’m a bit overwhelmed at the very idea of going through everything I own, deciding what to keep and what to get rid of, and organizing all of it. I start working on one thing and get distracted with something else I need to do. That, or I think the entire project is too big and I put all of it off.

I guess I need to make more detailed daily lists.

Also, I tripped and hurt my foot right before graduation. It bruised really badly but then seemed to be getting better. Now, though, it’s hurting even more and I’m afraid I’ve fractured it, so I’m trying to stay off it.

And, adding to my morose-ness, I talked with Bear again recently. The feelings of hurt and anger are still there (I fooled myself into thinking it would be better only a week later), and, needless to say, it didn’t go well. I suppose we’re both blaming each other for everything that’s happened, and it’s hard to remember the truth when you’ve talked about something so much and it all gets so confused. So, another list, this time of what I can see as the truth:

1. We love each other.

2. We committed too soon.

3. I always pictured spending the rest of my life with him.

4. I was willing to sacrifice the possibility of anyone else to be with him.

5. He doesn’t know what he wants.

6. Somewhere along the line, he didn’t want to be with me anymore and he’s never changed his mind.

7. My heart is broken.

8. He always thought of me as a friend before a girlfriend.

9. He lied to me about the other girl.

10. I never thought I could have friends without him, and when I realized I could, I pushed him away.

11. He wants something else, and I can never be that something else.

12. When I keep myself busy and don’t think about him as much, I don’t feel as bad.

13. He doesn’t understand how much he hurt me and doesn’t understand that I still want to be with him.

14. He just wants to be friends.

15. I need time to get over him, to not miss him, to not think about him all the time, to not be angry anymore before we can think of being friends.

I wish this all didn’t suck so much. I wish I could stop crying and just get over it. I wish I didn’t feel so alone and lost. So, back to the to-do list. Hopefully that will keep me focused and busy. Work starts next week, I’ll have more space to paint starting on Tuesday, I’m having a party on Sunday, I have a few friends here that I can hopefully keep in touch with. Everything’s going to be alright. I just know it, even if I don’t feel it right now.

To Do

It’s too easy to fall into old habits of laziness, routine, and wishful thinking. In my apartment at school I felt in control of my things and my space, and I felt comfortable because I wasn’t utterly surrounded by things I didn’t love or need. Now that I’m home, I do feel weighed down by things dating back to my childhood, things that are kept for purely sentimental reasons, or things I feel too guilty to give away (usually because they were gifts). Anyway, the biggest thing I want to accomplish this summer is to get rid of a lot of stuff and organize the space I occupy. So, as an organized person might make, a to-do list:

1. Fit all books and DVDs onto shelves in the bedroom. This will mean cutting back on books I’ll never read again, old textbooks, and old children’s books. The remaining items should be organized into categories of knitting books/magazines, art books, and other books I know I will use and need in the future.

2. Get rid of all clothes that will not be worn again, including shoes. This means all clothing/shoes not worn in the past year must go. All clothes must fit in closet and drawers.

3. The desk must be cleared and usable, including drawers.

4. All yarn and unfinished knitting projects must be cataloged (using Ravelry as a tool) and easily accessible.

5. Clutter and just things must be minimized all around the room. I know I feel better when I’m not drowning in stuff. Let’s do myself a favor and make that small happiness happen.

Completing these five objectives will mean getting rid of a lot of stuff. Still, because I see myself moving into a larger space of my own in the very near future, I have to find some storage solutions as well. This will be difficult in a small room, but between keeping and tossing things I’ll find a balance and hopefully have some space to keep stuff that can’t always be out in sight.

Also, painting must be made a priority this summer. I’m going to be using my sister’s vacant bedroom for most of it, but that space must be used well. Time must be made for researching graduate schools as well as job hunting. It would probably help if I made a daily schedule for myself with specific, reachable goals set out for each day. I will work on this.

Starting Over

I graduated from college two days ago.

I’m not sure where to go from there. This last year of school was a very rough one for me. Our calendar is split into neat little thirds, so for fall term I stayed home and completed student teaching off campus. That was a satisfying adventure, but a very hard and exhausting one, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever go back to the classroom. I think I was competent: nobody died, or lost a lot of blood, or swore off art forever, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling that it just wasn’t right.

Over Thanksgiving/winter/Christmas break (a very long break from the end of November to the first day of January), I was still at home, working a pretty regular retail job. Being Christmas, customers weren’t always a joy to be around, but for the most part I liked my bosses and coworkers.

(Aside – I don’t want to be a totally cheesy writer and give the people in my life code names, but I’m not sure how much privacy I should give away, either mine or the other person’s. I want to be honest without giving away secrets, so I might have to resort to the groan-inducing nicknames.) During these few weeks, the person who at the time I would have called the love of my life (I’ll call him Bear) traveled with other students to London and the surrounding areas of England. I missed him terribly. At that time we were together three years and though it was hard to be apart in the fall and during his trip, I was looking forward to being close again. While he was there, though, he became close with someone else.

The both of us returned to school shortly after he returned, and I began an intense, studio driven art course that was designed to prepare for graduate school. I took a full course load of just this class and was required to spend 40 hours in the studio preparing for critiques. I hadn’t painted much over the previous summer or fall, so I had a rough start. Bear and I also began to fall apart, I caught bronchitis, and I had a hard time adjusting to college life again. In the end, painting was the only thing keeping me going, but even that was hard and wore me out.

The spring brought new classes, finally warmer weather, a bit of relief from losing the person I loved, and a few new friends. Classes were very difficult, and since Bear and I lived together with a few other people, our relationship was very strained, confusing, and painful. At the worst point I remember feeling like I had lost everything – that my career choice turned out to be the wrong one, the person I counted on wasn’t there anymore, my painting was not working as well as it had in the winter, and graduation was looming closer and closer. Somehow I made it through.

That all sounds terribly melodramatic, and I don’t mean it to be like that. I don’t want to minimize the stress of this past year, however, so I think that sums it up pretty well. I’m home now with my parents and looking ahead to putting things back together again. I’ve tried blogging in the past, mostly with knitting, so I’m going to try again.

My plan is to use this space as a way to organize myself. I need a little organization and grounding right now. I want to start thinking about moving out of my parents’ home, finding a job, going to graduate school, a possible move to Texas, working retail again, painting, knitting, dating, keeping in touch with friends, and having fun this summer. Bear and I decided not to talk for awhile, and while this sounds really silly and sad, that really changes how I though my life would be right now. A lot (actually, almost everything) is up in the air and undecided. Let’s get started.